Dead and Delicious
Release Date: July 17, 2017
Two zombies and one skeleton on a road trip to Vegas to kill a witch, stop an apocalypse, and rescue their friends from the belly of a shadow dragon.
Nothing weird about that.
Five things I learned while being a fallen angel zombie:
1. Duct tape works better than embalming.
2. Alopecia is not my favorite hairstyle.
3. Fried demons smell like bacon.
4. This brain breath is affecting my love life.
5. Nothing ruins a honeymoon like an apocalypse.
“Ash,” Melanie hissed behind me, “that zombie looks like you.”
I clutched Aedan’s side, staring into a set of familiar green eyes, watching with horror as my doppelganger bit the head off a stiff squirrel corpse, crunching its little bones and spitting clumps of fur out the side of her mouth. She was wearing a purple dress that came just above the knees. I recognized that dress. I’d gotten it at a steal of a price at one of those brand name resell shops, and I’d been waiting for the right date to wear it. Guess my mom figured my date with death was as good a time as any. Zombie Ash had on no shoes, and judging by the bald spots all over her head, she’d decided alopecia was the new trend in hairstyles.
She gaped at all of us before mumbling, “Hungry.” Then she took another bite.
I swooned in Aedan’s arms, momentarily disoriented as he led me to a nearby stone bench and sat me down.
“Ash, are you okay?”
But I wasn’t looking at him. I was looking at my corpse while she gnawed on rotten roadkill. I covered my mouth with my hand, bile projecting into my throat. “She… she… ewwww.” I was too shocked and repulsed to say anything else. Finally, I looked up at Aedan, amazed I managed to form a coherent thought. “How is my corpse walking when I’m not even in it?”
Tank leaned on his scythe, scowling at my zombie double. “Demon magic. Powerful demon magic.”
Clearly this was the cemetery where I’d been buried. I’d died nearly a year ago, which meant, thanks to embalming, my body appeared to be intact. I didn’t know who had resurrected me, but how dare that demon make me a zombie! And how dare my zombie stoop to eating roadkill! Couldn’t she have at least have found a deli or burger joint? Dear Lord, I’d even settle for a gluteny bagel or breadstick. Forget what gluten did to my insides. I’d eaten a lot of questionable shit, but I reached a new level of low with raw, rotten animal carcass.
She pulled a piece of tendon out of her tooth, or maybe that was a maggot, then gaped at us with a vacant expression. “Hungry,” she groaned again shoving the tendon between her pursed lips and slurping it down like she was sucking up a spaghetti noodle.
My fellow ghosters gagged, and Melanie threw up on the grass beside me. My corpse’s eyes widened, and she licked her lips as she eyed my friend. I didn’t know if she was hungry for barf or brains, but I’d had enough.
I jumped to my feet as my corpse ripped the animal’s torso in two. “That’s disgusting!” I hollered. “Hello, dummy!” I wildly waved my arms. “Go back to your coffin. Look at you,” I sneered, pointing at her gray, spongy legs and arms. A bone was poking through her elbow, and her skin was peeling at the knees. “You’re falling apart! You shouldn’t be walking around.”
Aedan was at my side, jerking me back. “Don’t get too close to her.”
“We need to get back to the church,” Sarge called.
The Ash zombie bit into the squirrel’s stomach, chewing on its innards and staring blankly at us as if she was a cow, mindlessly eating hay.
“Ewww!” I screamed, lurching forward and swatting the rodent from her hands.
It happened so fast. One second I was Ash, the purgatory bride, and the next, my spirit was pulled into zombie Ash like a genie being drawn back into the lamp. My scream was sucked into the vortex with me, and in the next moment, I was staring up at Aedan, trying my best to yell through a scratchy throat while spitting out stale squirrel fur that was stuck to the roof of my mouth.
“Omigod!” I struggled to sit, but my body was so stiff, I could barely move. “Aedan, what happened?”
“Ash!” He leaned over me. The look of horror in his eyes would have been comical if I hadn’t been the object of his repulsion. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay.” I slapped the ground and kicked my feet, then winced when my knee popped out of socket. “Why would I be okay? What the hell happened?”
To his credit, Aedan grabbed my arms and pulled me to a sitting position, but I could tell by the way he winced that he did not like touching me. “I think your spirit went into the zombie.”
“What?” My hand flew to my mouth, and that’s when I realized I was still holding the squirrel carcass. I dropped it with a shriek. “Omigod, Aedan! Get me out of here.” Where had my other body gone? Back to purgatory? Or since my other body was a spirit, maybe it was all inside the zombie. I’d spent a lot of credits on that wedding gown. I sure hoped I got it back.
“Easy, sweetheart,” he soothed. “We’ll think of something.”
He grabbed my elbows and pulled me to my feet, and that’s when I felt another pop, only this one was followed by a sickening tingling that numbed my fingers.
I looked at my dangling arm. “You dislocated my arm!”
He tried to put my arm back in its socket. “It just fell out.”
I threw up my one good hand. “I’m a walking corpse… on my wedding day!” I would have cried had I any tears, but I was more dried up than a ninety-year-old vagina.
About the Author:
Tara West writes books about dragons, witches, and handsome heroes while eating chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. She's willing to share her dragons, witches and heroes. Keep your hands off her chocolate.
Tara West's young adult and new adult romances have been Kindle bestsellers. A former high school English teacher, Tara is now a full-time writer and graphic artist. She enjoys spending time with her family, interacting with her fans, and fishing the Texas coast.