Thanks so much for having me on as a guest. I’m excited to share my thoughts about How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse
How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse:
Why a Pole Pruner is Your Secret Weapon
Alright, let's be real. The world has gone to pieces, zombies are shuffling around everywhere, and you’re stuck wondering how you’re going to stay alive. Forget all those movies where people are wielding swords, guns, or chainsaws. I’m here to tell you the real secret to surviving a zombie apocalypse: the humble pole pruner.
Yes, you heard me right. A pole pruner! But not just any kind. I’m talking about the manual kind—not the ones with chainsaws attached (we’ll get to why in a minute). The key to surviving a zombie apocalypse is distance. The last thing you want is a zombie up close, breathing down your neck—literally. That’s where the beauty of a long-range pole pruner comes in. It’s like having a zombie guillotine, only you control it.
Why Not a Chainsaw?
You might be thinking, "Wouldn’t a chainsaw be more fun?" Sure, if you want to make a lot of noise, attract every zombie in a 5-mile radius, and run out of gas in the middle of a battle. Gas is going to be a rare commodity, and let’s be honest, how often do you actually want to fuel up in the middle of a zombie apocalypse? Chainsaws also need maintenance—something you won’t have time for when you’re trying to keep your brains intact.
Why Not a Gun?
Guns are flashy, sure. But what happens when you run out of ammo? Ever try to throw a gun at a zombie? Spoiler alert: it’s not very effective. Plus, unless you’re an expert marksman, hitting a zombie in the head from a distance is harder than it looks. You need precision, and a pole pruner gives you the control to slice that zombie head clean off—no ammo required.
What About Swords?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love swords. They’re classic. But they have their limitations. First, they’re short-range, which means you’ve got to get too close for comfort. Second, after a few zombies, they tend to get blunt, and let’s be honest, sharpening a sword mid-apocalypse is not on anyone’s to-do list. You don’t want to pause mid-zombie battle to give your sword a tune-up, right?
Other weapons
Arrows do not sever the head. Axes and hammers have limited range and dull quickly, primarily due to the body fat that makes contact with them. There is no better weapon like the pole pruner.
Other Handy Tips for Surviving
Now that you’ve got your pole pruner in hand, here are a few more survival tips:
Stay Quiet: Zombies are attracted to noise, so keep things low-key. This is why loud weapons (like chainsaws) are a no-go. You want to blend into the background and move like a ghost.
Plan Your Escape Routes: Always have more than one exit route. Zombies aren’t exactly strategic, but they can corner you if you’re not careful.
Travel Light: Carry essentials, but don’t overburden yourself. You want to be able to outrun a zombie, not be weighed down by unnecessary gear. Water, food, and your trusty pole pruner—everything else is extra.
Stay Healthy: If you’ve got the option, eat right, rest up, and keep your energy high. You never know when you’ll need to outrun or outlast a horde.
So, there you have it. In the world
of zombies, it’s not about the flashiest weapon or the loudest bang. It’s about
practicality, and nothing says “practical” like a pole pruner. Trust me, when
the apocalypse comes, you’ll be glad you took my advice!
Excerpt 1 Wielding magic for the first time:
Letting the magic come to me in the same way it had begun in the park, I smelled pine needles and mushrooms. At that moment, I wanted to push to get it deeper, but I forced myself to stay relaxed and let it flow through me while I told the plant how terrific it would be outside.
Sun, water, and CO2 for photosynthesis, all were waiting for her if she would come out of the soil, and that my magic would help her grow faster, that she doesn’t have to wait any longer. The feeling of earth magic got stronger, and the inner picture before me was bathed in green. I said the words of the spell. After that, I focused again on the plant, imagining how the seed germinated, how the sprouting fought its way to the surface, how the seed leaves opened, sheeting the seed coat, and how the first leaves developed and opened.
Suddenly, I heard clapping. Losing my concentration, I opened my eyes. Umbra stood before me, a broad smile on her face.
“You did it!”
I frowned for a second before I looked down. The seedling stood before me, the seed coat next to it on the soil. Exactly how I had imagined it. I put my hand in front of my mouth, tears welling in my eyes.
“I did it. I did it!” I jumped up and down, clapping my hands. I was a real witch! I could do magic, after all! Full of joy, I embraced Umbra and circled her around while we both laughed.
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Thanks for having me!
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