So you’ve set your sights on dating a Greek god?
Well, my mortal friend, you're in for a divine ride. Here’s your handy-dandy
guide to navigating the celestial waters of otherworldly romance:
Dress
Code: Greek gods adore togas, but they've been around
for millennia. Make sure to rock both classic and modern looks, so you're
always on-point. Maybe throw in a laurel wreath if you're feeling festive! Gold
is always a nice accent color just ask Aphroditie.
Hobbies:
Brush up on your lyre playing. Apollo is a huge fan. Also, practicing archery
for Artemis or horse riding for Poseidon can earn you extra brownie points. The
Gods are a huge fan of the arts.
Communication:
Hermes might be the god of messaging, but he’s terrible at texting back. Be
patient, but if he leaves you on 'read' for a millennia, maybe take a hint.
He’s also quite the jokester so don’t let him fool you like he did Apollo when
he stole Apollo’s cattle.
Family
Gatherings: Zeus throws the wildest parties,
butavoid drama by not mentioning any illicit affairs. Pro tip: don't sit
between Ares and Athena; that's a family feud waiting to happen.
Gifts:
The Gods love if you come knocking with your elbows. Handmade ambrosia or
nectar is always a hit. If you can't whip those up, a heartfelt sonnet might do,
especially if you can get tips from the sirens. Oh man, do they know how to
sing. Just steer clear of golden apples - trust us on this one.
Jealousy:
Beware of jealous exes. Hera, in particular, isn't one to let go easily. Always
have a disguise or an escape route at hand.
Respect
the Myths: Don’t bring up awkward topics like
turning into swans, golden showers, or being swallowed by one's dad. Greek gods
are sensitive about their past escapades.
Location
Ideas: Mount Olympus is a classic, but why not switch it
up? Dive into Poseidon’s underwater palace or take a moonlit stroll in Artemis’
sacred forests. For those of you living on the edge, I hear Hades has a one
hell of a hot spot.
Stay
Humble: Aphrodite might bless you with divine
beauty for your date butremember: humility is a virtue. Flaunting might make
you a target for Nemesis, the goddess of retribution.
Endgame:
If things get serious, remember that immortality is both a blessing and a curse.
Consider all facets before diving into eternal love.
Lastly, embrace every divine moment with your
celestial sweetheart. Relationships with Greek gods can be tumultuous, but the
tales and memories are immortal. Happy dating!
Excerpt:
Our mouths met once again, hungry and desperate, as I lifted her into my arms. Her chemise rose and bunched in between us. My palms cupped her exposed thighs, urging them to encircle my waist. I walked us backward to the bed, never breaking our kiss, and slowly lowered her down, careful to bear my weight against my forearm. I savored the softness of her lips, the warmth of her breath mingling with mine, as her fingers wove into my hair. Pleasure and pain radiated through my scalp as she pulled the ends with her iron grip, her moans urging me on. With my free hand, I explored her, tracing the lines of her neck, the softness of her breasts. Her body arched in response, a silent plea for more.
I continued my journey, my hand tracing the curve of her hip, slipping beneath her knee, and wrapping her leg around me once more. The connection between us grew stronger, an unspoken understanding that we were meant to be entwined, a meeting of souls. And then, with a surge of anticipation, I pressed into her, feeling her heat and the electric pulse of our bodies against one another.
She pulled back, her eyes locking onto mine, reflecting a hunger and longing that mirrored my own. A mischievous smile played upon her lips as her fingers toyed with the button on my trousers. But before she undid it, I heard a noise. Footsteps.
“It’s probably a good idea to tell you both I’m in the room.” Smitter’s voice sounded somewhere behind me, way too close to the bed, to us.
I jumped backward, lost my balance, and stumbled to the floor. My rear landed hard. Lou swathed herself in a wad of sheets.
“I had hoped you’d come up for air, but there’s really no good way to interrupt.” He waved in between us.
“I’m going to kill you,” I growled from the floor. Out of all the times my uncle had popped in and out of a room, this had to be the most invasive and humiliating.
“Why would you …? I can’t— Don’t you ever do that again,” Lou shouted, horrified. Her hands balled around the sheets. Flushed like a sunburned noble, she volleyed her gaze between me, half clothed on the floor, and Smitter. Her knotted hair stuck up on top of her head.
“Yes, I realize it’s not great timing, but the two of you need your rest. We drop anchor tomorrow on the perimeter of Anthemusa. The men have already been moved to the soundproof rooms. And we need to strategize how you’ll slay the Siren Queen, now that our first plan is no longer viable.” Smitter’s concerned brown eyes found mine. “Also, your aunt said this isn’t the right time for”—he swirled a finger in our general direction—“this.”
Lou’s brows contorted. “What? Who is your aunt?” She gaped at me.
I waved Lou off. Aunt Artemis, the goddess of childbirth, would know when Lou should abstain, but I wasn’t about to have that conversation. I bent my knees, resting my elbows on my thighs, and rubbed my temples. My family had truly outdone themselves. Not a single boundary nor a clue as to how their incessant involvement could be a nuisance.
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