Tips for Dating a Vampire
Supernatural dating tips from Kathy, who is dating Gracie, a vampire in MalaBrava: Book One. Written from Kathy’s point of view.
Gracie is the first vampire I’ve ever dated. To be honest, before moving to MalaBrava, I didn’t think vampires were real. I’d read the books and seen the movies, but I never thought they actually existed.
I quickly learned that many things in MalaBrava are very, very real but don’t exist anywhere else. That’s what makes MalaBrava such an interesting place to live.
I’m not going to say it’s an interesting place to visit because, let’s be honest, MalaBrava can be kind of dangerous. You have squirrels with knives and creatures of all shapes and sizes just hanging around. The Tech Bro Poodles are a pain in the ass because they can ruin you with one tap of a button.
MalaBrava isn’t exactly a survivable vacation destination.
Anyway, I met Gracie, a vampire, and we’ve been dating for around four months. My dating tips for anyone interested in dating a vampire are specific to her, so proceed with caution.
1. Vampires are messy eaters. I recommend quality paper towels, Dawn dish soap, and plenty of patience. They leave their leftovers everywhere.
2. They love to “swoop” down on things. They get a huge kick out of it. You’ll have to be prepared to be swooped on at really inconvenient times, like when you’re on a treadmill trying to get your steps in. Also, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never catch them right before they swoop. It’s best to just go with it.
3. Vampires don’t understand human things. Pocket change, lamps, and the importance of cleaning up after feeding are just a few topics you may need to explain to them.
4. Avoid dates that involve eating. Vampires don’t understand how humans eat, so they might invite you to dinner and hand you some Sweet’N Low packets with cough syrup for dipping. They just don’t get it.
5. You may occasionally hear your vampire muttering to themselves that you are, in our case, “girlfriend, not food.” Don’t freak out. They’re just reminding themselves not to suck out all your blood and kill you before you go to the movies.
6. Lastly, remember that vampires can love just as deeply as humans can. Love is love in all shapes and forms. Give your vampire time to get to know you, and you won’t be sorry. Plus, you might find love!
Carol James Marshall
Genre: Horror, Dark Comedy
Date of Publication: August 1, 2026
ASIN: B0H12RB68Z
Number of pages: 241
Word Count: 58,477
Book Description:
Welcome to Malabrava a town where the squirrels carry knives, the vampires have HOA problems, and the local mad scientist is still workshopping the perfect dick.
When Grizzy Del Monstruo isn’t decapitating problems or resurrecting boyfriends in her basement lab, she’s navigating family dinners, supernatural bureaucracy, and the inconvenience of having a moral compass. Around her, monsters bicker, humans wander in by accident, and nobody seems particularly concerned about the body count as long as it stays within city limits.
Malabrava is a brutally funny, deeply inappropriate adult dark comedy packed with gore, sex, monsters, and unhinged domesticity.
If you like your horror ridiculous, your comedy filthy, and your towns aggressively cursed, you’ve just found your new favorite place to never visit.
Excerpt:
Griselda
grew up in Malabrava. Her family founded the town. The streets, the smells, the
houses, the people, and even the squirrels with knives run through her veins.
She loves Malabrava and all its quirks.
Grizzy
is a Del Monstruo. Not the youngest, not the oldest. She’s the middle-aged one.
The Auntie. The one who never married, never wanted to. Grizzy’s the one people
call when something needs to be handled. Because that’s what Grizzy does.
Grizzy handles things.
Nobody
asks how. It’s understood. Grizzy is what some might call sketchy with a heart
of gold. She’ll go to war for the people she loves, and she has a clean,
no-fuss method of decapitation for the ones she doesn’t.
She
lives in the family home, dead center in the town of Malabrava. Her parents
retired to a smaller place on the outskirts, saying they needed more land for
at-home burials. Her sister Gracie prefers her condo near their parents. Gracie
said that the convenient burial space is a plus. Makes cleanup easier.
They
left Grizzy the house. You’d expect a gothic mansion, right? This is Malabrava,
where things creep in broad daylight. A home for someone called Del Monstruo
should come with bats, cobwebs, a gong, a butler who only groans, and a maid
with wild frizzy red hair and access to the gong.
But
no.
Grizzy’s
grandfather was a modernist. Way ahead of his time. He wanted to be a
supervillain, and in his mind, supervillains needed sleek, sprawling homes with
underground bunkers, hidden rooms, and plans for a moat.
He
never made it to “super.” He was a decent villain. He refused to recycle and
regularly flipped off children, but he lacked the follow-through. He couldn’t
commit to one evil scheme long enough to earn the title.
Grizzy’s
grandmother was the true force. A science-minded woman with dangerous ideas.
She adored the modern mansion. It gave her room for her lab.
That
lab became Grizzy’s favorite place in the world.
Grizzy
the fixer, the inventor, the one always tinkering away in her lab is deeply
loved by her family. But her mother, a devout occultist with a dramatic streak,
had other hopes. She wanted Griselda to be witchy. Ideally, a Voodoo Priestess.
She always said Griselda looked striking in white. Though, in the end, she
would’ve settled for a kitchen witch with a solid essential oil game.
Her
father, a known vampire, had his hopes too. Gracie inherited the thirst. Gracie
was the one born with a taste for blood.
But
not Grizzy.
Instead,
she snuck into her grandmother’s lab as a child. Touched everything labeled “Do
Not Touch.” Sniffed everything marked “Hazard.” Dreamed of beakers and
blueprints. She ignored every warning.
At
twelve, she came out to the family as a Mad Scientist.
Her
parents told her they loved her. Accepted her, a little reluctantly. Gracie
grinned. She had another reason to be the favorite now.
They
threw a family barbecue for her official announcement. The cousins came. The
uncles, the aunts, the vaguely-related lurkers. Grizzy cut a cake shaped like a
beaker and declared, “I’m a Mad Scientist, like Granny.”
There
was a pause.
Some
awkward glances.
Then
applause.
The
Del Monstruos were known for monsters...being them, birthing them, bargaining
with them. But Grizzy wasn’t rattled by the hesitation. She knew the truth.
What
was better than being a monster?
Inventing
them.
Carol James Marshall is a storyteller who loves serving up scary stories with and sometimes adds some laughs.
Carol writes genre-bending horror packed with comedy, paranormal twists, sci-fi, and suspense. As a bilingual, low-vision author, she uses adaptive tech and bold fonts to bring her stories to life, crafting her books in English, Spanish, or sometimes both.
When she isn't weaving nightmares or getting lost in an audiobook, Carol works as a medical coder and biller. Her journey spans from the sunny streets of Los Angeles, California, to the vibrant culture of Mexicali, Mexico, and she now happily calls Georgia home.
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